"Manju Shree "

If I will be "someone " one day , Its all because of him. He was the one who gave me the courage to walk on the difficult path . When I said no , he used to motivate me with just few words. This is not another story of love and care. This is a story about two human beings. Two bodies but one soul. I wanted to get a self motivation, before I start writing . Its been raining from early morning , I cannot breath with out thinking of  him. He lives with in me. He fills me , when I feel empty. This might be a different story ..But if you believe in love ; if you believe in reincarnation ; If you believe in feelings ; If you believe in your own soul ; this is for you ....!! Utter truth of a passionate middle aged woman 's life , the way she discovers Manju Shree 's  dead soul, ....................................!!!

When I first saw him in early March 2012 , the feeling I had was complicated. Lightning stroked . My heart was heavy . I was trying to read his eyes and after the class I understood , I ve been known to him for ages. The second day , he came to the class with his laptop bag . I was observing his every move. When I noticed his fingers , I felt like those fingers were running on my hair many times. Was it love at first sight ? Yeah, may be.

I asked him questions , to check weather he is a good listener , because the man I knew was the best listener in the whole universe. He locked his eyes on mine many times. I felt the flames of love . We shared texts , e mails and the bond became more and more strong. We both are married , but this bond was something very deep and beautiful .

“While I sleep, I dream of you, and when I wake, I long to hold you in my arms. If anything, our time apart has only made me more certain that I want to spend my nights by your side, and my days with your heart.Sometimes you have to be a part from people you love, but that doesn’t make you love them any less. Sometimes you love them more." I wrote him. He never replied to me , not because he did not have feelings but he is a lazy dude to type . He is slow as a lill kid.


This is what he taught me . " Life was messy. Always had been and always would be and that was just the way it was, so why bother complaining? You either did something about it or you didn’t, and then you lived with the choice you made" Is nt it wonderful to be optimistic ? He has the courage and determination to go to the top . But he is dead inside. He has no time to think about it as he says. But I know the truth . He suffers a lot . , But prefers to keep everything with in because of the barriers ..

I finally understood what true love meant...True love meant that you care for another person's happiness more than your own, no matter how painful the choices you face might be...I used to stay away from him . Some times he answers my calls or sometimes he never picks up or rather replies. But I used to it. What ever it is , he is all mine till death and after.. I had the strong feeling and I believe in me. Love means everything to me . Every breath  has a value and every moment gives love a different shape . When you felt your real love , you do not need to think about anyone else in the world. U felt it and you learn to live your whole life believing it. Its a logic. That logic applied to me too. He became the meaning of my life. It was very much boring and  unhappy , earlier but today I have a hope to carry on . A hope to light a candle and pray to god , for him to be safe ..   


He  started out as just a face... then we  were just friends... then he  became my close friend and now he is  my lover, my life, my every breath.I just want to cuddle up in his arms and fall asleep. Too bad he isnt here...i miss him  so much !!!!!Love isn't about what that person looks like or what they can get you , its about how your heart feels, your eyes sparkle , your heart skips !He is  the dream I keep having over the song that won't come out of my head, and when you stare me straight in the eyes it starts all over again !

she can hold his  hand like I  do , she can kiss him  like I  do , she can hug you like I do , but she will never never love him  like I  do ! I ll guarantee it ..Because I was there for him many times in this life circle ... Remember that...I love you/ him till death and after. 

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My unborn daughter YASHODARA

Yasho , I was dreaming about you from ancient times. I wanted to have you as my 3rd child, but I knew I would not be able to conceive you from the man I married to . Then , u d be  the gift for me from him. From your father . He is the man in my dreams . He has been with me in every birth . I felt it the very first day ,I saw him. I wanted Yasho to be like him one day .

He taught her to smile : he taught her to cry : he guided her to be the most kind hearted girl among all her friends. When she was young , he taught her to find the right love for her. When she was sick , he never left her alone. He loved to  see her same as me. He loved the crazy woman in me but respected to every craziness equally. When we were making love , he wanted to love me not only physically , but mentally as well. It was more like a give and give moment. He was never hurt me , instead gave me a world of love. Yasho , came to my woomb as a result  , after spending loving hours with him.

Do I need to describe how my love was ? I only loved him. Till I met him , I did not have any idea of being in love. He gave me a world of love .. We were a happy family .. We had the chance to love each other equally. When Yasho found her man , her daddy invited him for dinner. We all sat together and had dinner . Daddy asked him 3 questions.
1. Do u love my girl ?
2. What do u do for living ?
3. Will u be our son too ?
His answers were truly good. He hugged him tight and I saw the tears in his eyes. I have the memories of many births.. Even after Yasho left us , she visited us frequently and daddy visited her frequently . Some times I cooked her favorite meal and send it through daddy.

Memories , dont leave me. Night n day gives me fuel to live my life with hope... I love him....I love you too Yasho. Will you come to mom this time too ? If you come , I will take the risk and give you birth... You decide with your father . Okaaaayyyyyy ? Lv u both !!!!!

Change for what ?????

When we grow up , our thoughts  change . Our visions change. Our requirements change. The people we love, change. Some close friends become visitors and normal friends become very close to our heart. We called it 'LIFE'. When we were kids , our dreams were different . But today kids need to have a Barbie Doll , or to eat from Mc Donalds or to go to a virtual trip to  Zoo are the major requirements among them . It was not complicated decades ago . In another words , in that time we were  hard wired simply . But today ,as mature adults we become more and more complicated. If some one asks you about your motives , you would take few minutes to think. You may change your motives according to the situation. 

I wanna see the change , in a different angel. I wanna give it the Helicopter view and evaluate where 'change' stands. When we go to the clothing store , with in few moments we change our ideas . We might go in thinking about buying a dress , but end up with buying T shirts or shorts. Its the way of the human mind.Ten years ago , we were satisfied with rice and curries for all three meals. But today , we need different things for different meals. We care our body shape , weight , beauty and health . We prefer to have a fruit for breakfast ,and a little bit of rice with vegies for lunch and a light diet for dinner .Wise people follow their meals and do regular exercises and at the same time , fools fill their tummies with all unhealthy , colorful food. When my mom was young , she ate rice for all three meals and she was a bit fat . She did not care about her beauty after having kids. But when I was growing up , she controlled my diet . She was behind me restricted eating unhealthy food. Sweets were completely restricted. As a result , we grew up with healthy bodies and after having two grown ups , I maintain myself in a satisfactory way. When the stress is high , weight gains , but with in few weeks I manage to reduce it. It was the education I got from my mom. That CHANGE is good.

When it comes to kids , they forget their main target. But they go after  games. They have no time to play physically. Instead they play computer games. They do not know how to pick a flower or how to water a flower plant . They have their own virtual worlds. I still can recall the good times I had in the woods with my cousins. We had enough time to play cricket and Elle. We were chasing the fruit trees and filled sacks with different fruits. We made pickle and ate hours while reading books on a branch of a tree. We had time to watch stars , see the beauty of moon and we wrote poems. I can still remember the food I made for tea . I had a memorable child hood. I had a passion for reading and writing. In my spare time I read books ,poems and papers. I was a matured kid , before attaining age. I knew most of the things by experience. How to have kids , How to look after pets , what is the political back ground of the country /? How much is a kilo of flour ? How to cook rice ? I knew everything by heart. I did not learn rote , when I was learning . I accepted the theories logically.

Most kids , they need  not to know anything logically. They accept everything as it is . They prefer to follow the easy way , not the right way .    They are lazy. They became lazy , because of the education system . They do not have to do references. They just read the text book and read the notes and done. They do not need to enhance their knowledge. Its not their problem. Its because of their parents Island mentality . They cant think beyond the box. We need to do reforms immediately. And we have to start it from the education.

Every adult must get a sound knowledge about health , good habits and values. If the adults as leaders walk properly , followers will walk wisely. Change in the sense , mentally , physically and spiritually.We have to have a good discipline with in us. Discipline is the main component of a  successful life. 

My son knows that money cant buy everything. He knows the factors of success is always depend the personnel behavior. My daughter knows that too. I wish if every son and daughter will understand the same  in a peaceful way !! Amen !. 

Reincarnation

I was thinking about the topic , am gonna write today.. Nothing came to my mind other than REINCARNATION .Not because I am a Buddhist, I strongly believe the word and the huge meaning behind  it.  When I think about me and my certain behavior , I know most of the habits and attitudes are up bringing from my previous birth . I am strict , egoistic , sensitive , passionate character . Comparatively no one in my family has this kind of attitude and I think those are the memory banks I brought back from my past lives.

Some times when I lie down  on bed , my memory flies to a far away land. A peaceful land , no noise other than the sound of the wind . Less crowd , Ding dong of a church , women with long jute dresses , horses , few kids , long lines of washed clothes , the smell of fresh air....I see me as a single  woman , who reads every piece of paper , I  try to read the facial expressions of people .  People come to me , when they need to get a support to cultivate something new . They need to talk with me to ask , about their kid's future. They need to play a game of cards while playing cards . My kitchen , it always has a huge pot of soup on fire. My mom makes bread and every visitor comes to house gets a bowl of soup and few pieces of toasted bread. We have a back yard full of  vegetables , spices , fruits and flowers. I work at the garden to experiment new things. I have two or three workers , who always keep their concentration to the garden . I can see a grape yard , with different kind of grapes. I go there every morning and every night to taste grapes. When I go to see my soul mate (Who is married to another lady and lives in another village ), I pick bunches of different varieties , with a salad of Apple , a bottle of wine and hand made clothes for him. I can picture him very well . He is tall , dark well built a middle age man . Every body respects to him , as he has the knowledge to   make new equipments to ease day today life. He has very much conservative kind of thoughts , but he loves me. We go to a place in another village , once or twice a week and spend few hours and say good bye to each other . We both cant live with out each other.

He loves my hair , my body , my clothes . His love is one of a kind and it can give me goose bumps even now , after centuries of time . I have mixed kind of feelings towards him. I love him and I need to be with him , every possible time . But he is busy and he has no time to play games. He has a strict schedule . But listens to me and love to have talk with me . My mom knows nothing , besides she has enough things to do ,rather than worrying about my   relationship.

Then again I see me as a poet , some where in  a faraway village in England.I live my whole life all alone in a small house in a big land. I have my own vegetable garden . There's a huge grape cultivation in my back yard. A wooden table with two chairs , a book on the table with a bottle of wine , a glass and a vegetable salad is also on the table . A young woman is reading a book . She is wearing a gown , long hair gives her a beauty . She wears pearl earrings and the deep neck of the dress shows her boobs , which look young  and small. She bakes pies , cakes and puddings . She has no one to looks after , other than herself. She sleeps on grass , sits on the branches of trees  sings with her Madelene.She enjoys her life . She knows the real tempo of the life and lives in accordance.I can see her combing her hair in the nights , a blonde long hair .. She has a comfortable double bed , which two can easily share. Nicely worked sheets and spreads , comfy pillows are all over the bed. Room is like a small palace. It has candles every where , a huge flower pot on a bed side cupboard  , she prefers to smell it before she goes to bed. Till she catches up sleep , she reads..

I can see an American woman too . She is married with 5 children . All are grown up .She looks young and energetic . Her man  died, when she was young.   But she has no other man , she seems see the life in a different angel. She wears all   short skirts with matching boots and tops. All the kids adore her and they read , walk run together. They all work at different places but once in a while  , get together and look after their mom. I can see a big duck on the table . Few salads , a loaf of bread , strawberries , corns, and a bowl of soup completes the dinner table. A huge chocolate -mud cake is another small table with few sources and folks. They all are shouting , laughing while drinking wine , hugging mom and kids .. What a wonderful sight !!!!

When I started to write , I m sure the person uses my pen is not me. Ideas are coming with in me and my pen is working like a roller coaster . The passionate woman with in me has a long history. She knows Cleopatra and Princess Diana both . She knows William Shakesphere and Julius Cesar both .    She knows how to be with her man and how to make him happy , physically and mentally .But she is unhappy. Her mind is with some one else. His touch can give her the life time pleasure.. Hmmmmmm.......more experiences yet to come in future....

Karma - Different kind of love

As the story of a love affair and its long, unhappy endgame, it looks interestingly like a middle-period Nadee with fewer laughs, a wintry, desolate Ama and Piyal , complete with a silent flashback-montage of the affair's most bittersweet

moments at the film's close. But the dramatization by screenwriter and director open up Piyal's self-enclosed male world of rapture and rage; it gives the women a voice of their own, with an excellent performance from Michelle.

Nadee is electrified by extraordinary gift (Ama ), so late in his life; previously, he had been appalled to discover nature's secret sick joke, namely, that men are agonized by sexual desire well into unattractive old or rather middle age, and yet Nadee had always had the fame, status and robust health to gratify his needs. The sick joke is rather now that he is in love for the first time(I guess so ) in his life, and sees with terrible clarity how Ama will want to leave him reasonably soon. He becomes jealous, controlling, tormented and mad - inflamed with a passionate relationship of Ama 's body, and yet idiotically, selfishly unable to commit himself to her in the normal way she actually wants. The imminent, and inevitable, end of the affair prefigures her death in a way nothing else could: and when it happens, it is a terrible kind of death, more real than the real thing.

Revenge is a unpleasant thing to happen into the idea of love-making, however, and I have always wondered if it does not play a part in , that Nadee himself contrives for Ama and for their relationship. (Ama could, for example, have simply left him for a younger man, become more comfy herself and never called him again - which would have been unthinkably painful.)

What the film can't reproduce is the continuous, acrid pain of what male desire often is, thwarted or not: a continuous, day-by-day, hour-by-hour, minute-by-minute pain, almost like a cancer pain. Opinions may divide, on gender lines, about whether this is an insight into the human condition or an egoistical indulgence, but it gives the film its severity and its ferocious magnesium flare. Prasanna Jayakodi has brought off a creative and corrective account of this story : an intelligent film for grown-ups.Mind blowing !!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sFve5wKtba8&feature=share

Traveling gives me an utmost pleasure  I love to sit on the front seat and watch every where. The way people laugh , the way they walk ,their behavior and actions etc  When the life goes on slow motion , I think back and try to  make a story . Stories of life , love and people. When I sit at the table to type , all incidents haunt me , one by one.I carefully choose one after next and  build up the story.

I always prefer to make stories with love. My experience are always based on the feelings . The connection between me and food is also same . My love for different types of food is  never gonna change . It may be samosa , pakora or a wade ...Or may be a pastry from Goodies of Hilton all have the equal place in my heart. Some times I love to eat slices of bread with deviled onions. My mom adds Maldive fish and spices to add the flavor. Its a famous sri Lankan dish .
Stories and food have a magical bond same as the bond between the stories and love. Everyone has their own stories. My son has his own created stories of super heroes , Ben ten or Power Rangers. My daughter has advanced stories like history or related to fashion or rather about girls .

My world is filled with multi colored dreams. I dream night and day . Even while eating I dream . I dream about the cake am gonna make in the after noon. Or may be the cocktail am gonna experiment in the night . I love Mojitos among all .. It gives me energy to think ....Dreams are the basement of my story . I love to create the characters based on  my friends. Friends are like jewels for me. I have many friends. I love my friends and I do my best to make them happy. When they are around , I never feel loneliness. Most of them know who I am and they never feel bored of me..

To start up a new story , I need a motivation . A heart attack or a sudden heart pain , rain , dark nights mortivate me . I drink only water , while creating the story line . Or else , I ll loose the interest of writing . My latest book talks about a unmarried middle age dude and a compassionate woman. Lady is in her marriage but she suffers a lot because of many issues. The guy ,an architect helps her to see the outer world , which she did not even imagined. They run , play cricket , hand fighting , looking each others eyes through their own souls  n many more activities. Sex means a meditation for them . Its not like fill the tummy when hungry. Its  like a deep meditation . They both lock their eyes with in the unlimited dimensions and search the missing links. Its equal to a give and give ,peaceful feeling . They both expect nothing from their partners. Relationship continuous .. Time flies. Story goes on....

Stories..black and white or colorful ..every story has a start , core and a finish . But the flavors you add give the taste . When you  add more flavors in different quantities , story line build up like a painting done by Picasso.
What ever, for me ...every action I do has a creative story . Every breathe I take has the tempo to create a story ....

First Love is eternal ..Isnt it ?

When I was a little kiddo , I was expecting love from every one. If I can recall every moment from the good old days , I can easily say about my experiences. But my memories are like a rainbow. It comes at once , just after a shower and with in a moment of time it disappears. I can still remember the red color A-line frock , my mom sewed for me , when me and Appuchcha went to Kandy. It was a beautiful dotted frock. Mom  did Embroider   a beautiful 5 petal flower with leaves on it. When I came home , she wanted me to fit it on.I was utter happy to see the beautiful gown. It was the first incident , which comes to my mind , when I travel backwards.

Then the arrival of my little brother . He gave me a mountain high love . Peeing on me , kissing me and biting me gave me the feelings of love deeply. He is also a donor of love . I can still remember the 10 little fingers and 10 little toes. He was a cute kiddo. We both grew up like fine wine. My brother was the one who encourages me with sarcasm every time when I was down . He was the one who told me the value of Education . He was the one who scolded me with out understanding the complete picture. Any way am gonna write another chapter about him. Isnt it love ? If you do not have affection towards some one do you ever motivate that person ? Do you ever scold some one ? Do you ever push someone ?

There were tons of guys came after me , when I was on the edge of a teenager. I was not that beautiful , but my personality and chit chat talks gave me the value. My sweet words , and playful attitude attracted the guys. But my mom was a teacher at the same school . So I had to be extremely careful . I first fell in love with a dark guy. He was in grade 9 , I was in grade 6 . But he was in love with another girl in grade 7 .But I had the hopes , till I was in grade 10. A guy proposed me , but I do not know the reasons for rejecting him. He was very smart . But I felt No..I some times think , even in a corner of my heart Didnt I really love the dude ? I think NO..

Then in  1991 -13-12  , Lokuu  said he loves me. He was the guy in my dreams. He was tall , slim very smart , kind hearted guy. He had the license to  come to our house , as both fathers were good friends. He drinks a bit . But it did not bother me at all. He loved me like no other. He was a guy who had a huge heart , . In another words he poured love  to my heart directly. I felt his love so deeply and even today , I respect him for giving me such a love. I loved the way he talks , the way he describes things, the way he understand things..everything. We both were like one creature.We played games together , made Achcharu , had gala times with water...
One day when he was coming , I was watering the plants. He was wearing my favorite  long , blue stripes T shirt with a beige color trouser. He had a kind of a smile .."Let me do something for you " ..I was also a girl who never gave up , even after defeated. I directed the shower to him . All over !! He was shouting and calling my mom ....I did not stop .. I gave him a gala time. But he warned me .. " Nanga , am also your type.. Okay ? get ready for something similar or more adventurous. " I just said 'Lets see.."

Poor guy , got a sarong of Appuchchas , wore his wet t shirt     and was waiting in the kitchen talking to my mom. I was just sat next to him , doing my home work . I saw the kettle closer to him , but never thought he would have picked it to give me the punishment. Normally , Amma used that kettle to boil water . And every time it had boiling water. He just touched my head and asked me to come to his leg. It was so natural , he loved me like his own n I sat on his lap. He held me tightly with his other arm ( they were like jiant's arms as he practised basket ball every day )and took the kettle and I was shouting .."Lokko , it has boiling water.. I ll get burnt my self " But he did not care took me out and put water .. I was lucky , water was Luke warm and he gave me a bath .. then when mom went out of the kitchen , huggggggggggggggggssssssss me and said ."I love your jokes raththaran... , it gives me energy to  love you more and more every day " and later that evening , I had  hundred kisses on my forehead , cheeks and on my lips. He held my face like he was holding a precious jewel.. Love is worth remembering , Isn't it ?

I only capture the beauty of everything . I captured the spirit , energy he had. He never ever hurt me. He could have easily used me , but was a gentle man and loved me like no other. He gave me the most valuable memories. I do not say it was romantic, because I was not aware of the word " romance" at that time. But the feelings were so genuine . so beautiful . so natural.
Do I still love him ????
Yeah .. but I do not think as a lover.. Something more deeper  ....A feeling which shows you the right from wrong ..But still ;
He gave me a world of love and showed me the way to walk . Hats off for you Lokuuu ..I might meet you again , in this life time .. Hug me and hold me like your nanga.. Lets show the world , the real meaning of LOVE.. It has no selfish feelings. When you are happy am happy too..